| December 31st, 1999
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"This sort of thing has cropped up before and it has always been due to human error." — [Douglas Rain
(HAL 9000)
from 2001: A Space Odyssey] |
| December 30th, 1999
|
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"Cannot run out of time. There is infinite time. You are finite. Zathras is finite. This is wrong tool. No... no… not good. No... No... Never use this." — [Tim Choate
(Zathras)
from Babylon 5] |
| December 29th, 1999
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"See that the humans remain entertained until the end." — [uncredited
(Cylon Centurion (Silver))
from Battlestar Galactica: The Original Series] |
| December 28th, 1999
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"Fire, walk with me." — [Michael J. Anderson
(The Man From Another Place)
from Twin Peaks] |
| December 27th, 1999
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"Well, you're just in time for what might be a very unhappy ending." — [William Conrad
(announcer)
from Bullwinkle Show, The] |
| December 25th, 1999
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"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!" — [Chevy Chase
(Clark Wilhelm Griswold, Jr.)
from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation] |
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"Ice, watch out. –Why? –Slippery. –Oh. –This message brought to you by the United States Department of Condescending Paternalism." — [uncredited
& uncredited from You Don't Know Jack] |
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"He brought everything back, all the food for the feast. And he, he himself, the Grinch, carved the roast beast." — [Boris Karloff
(Narrator)
from How The Grinch Stole Christmas!] |
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"I want an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle! –No, you'll shoot your eye out." — [Peter Billingsley
(Ralphie Parker)
& Melinda Dillon (Mrs. Parker)
from Christmas Story, A] |
| December 24th, 1999
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"Why weren't you at Elf Practice?!" — [Alfie Scopp
(Head Elf)
from Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer] |
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"Your Honor, every one of these letters is addressed to Santa Claus. The Post Office has delivered them. Therefore the Post Office Department, a branch of the Federal Government, recognizes this man Kris Kringle to be the one and only Santa Claus." — [John Payne
(Fred Gailey)
from Miracle on 34th Street] |
| December 23rd, 1999
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"And I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-assed, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spineless, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?" — [Chevy Chase
(Clark Wilhelm Griswold, Jr.)
from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation] |
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"He puzzled and puzzed till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. 'Maybe Christmas,' he thought, 'doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.'" — [Boris Karloff
(Narrator)
from How The Grinch Stole Christmas!] |
| December 22nd, 1999
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"I was wrong when I told you that, Susie. You must believe in Mr. Kringle and keep right on doing it. You must have faith in him."
— [Maureen O'Hara
(Doris Walker)
from Miracle on 34th Street] |
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"Now we agreed this morning that we was going to open up our presents in order and not helter skelter like maniacs!" — [Carol Burnett
(Eunice Harper Higgins)
from Mama's Family] |
| December 21st, 1999
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"Goodbye, Hermey. Whatever a dentist is, I hope someday that you're the greatest." — [Billie Mae Richards
(Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer)
from Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer] |
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"Most places do something for their employees at this time of year. –Well, I've given them Christmas Day off. –Chief, most banks even give a holiday bonus. –I've already thought of that. –You have? –Just this morning I said to myself, 'Milburn, you've got to give those loyal employees of yours a Christmas bonus. –But, Chief, that's extraordinary! –I thought so, too. Fortunately, a cold shower brought me to my senses." — [Nancy Kulp
(Jane Hathaway)
& Raymond Bailey (Milburn Drysdale)
from Beverly Hillbillies, The] |
| December 20th, 1999
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"You know something, sweetheart? Christmas is… well, it's about the best time of the whole year. When you walk down the streets, even for weeks before Christmas comes, and there's lights hanging up, green ones and red ones, sometimes there's snow and everyone's hustling some place. But they don't hustle around Christmastime like they usually do. You know, they're a little more friendlier -- they bump into you, they laugh and they say 'Pardon me. Merry Christmas.' -- especially when it gets real close to Christmas night. Everybody's walking home, you can hardly hear a sound. Bells are ringin', kids are singing, the snow is coming down. And boy what a pleasure it is to think that you've got some place to go to. And that the place that you're going to, there's somebody in it that you really love. Some one you're nuts about. Merry Christmas." — [Jackie Gleason
(Ralph Kramden)
from The Honeymooners] |
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"Thanks for the Christmas card you sent me, Violet. –I didn't send you a Christmas card, Charlie Brown. –Don't you know sarcasm when you hear it?" — [Peter Robbins
(Charlie Brown)
& Sally Dryer (Violet)
from Charlie Brown Christmas, A] |
| December 17th, 1999
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"No child want's to play with a Charlie-In-The-Box, so I had to come here." — [Carl Banas
(Charlie-In-The-Box)
from Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer] |
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"Mush! Don't you understand North Pole talk? Mush!" — [Larry D. Mann
(Yukon Cornelius)
from Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer] |
| December 16th, 1999
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"Isn't there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about?" — [Peter Robbins
(Charlie Brown)
from Charlie Brown Christmas, A] |
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"Look, Doris, someday you're going to find out that your way of facing this realistic world just doesn't work. And when you do, don't overlook those lovely intangibles… you'll discover they're the only things that are worthwhile."
— [John Payne
(Fred Gailey)
from Miracle on 34th Street] |
| December 15th, 1999
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"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming. They're just waking up, I know just what they'll do. Their mouths will hang open a minute or two, then the Whos down in Whoville will all cry, 'Boo Hoo.'" — [Boris Karloff
(The Grinch)
from How The Grinch Stole Christmas!] |
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"Ha ha ha ha! My mouth's bleeding, Bert!" — [Jimmy Stewart
(George Bailey)
from It's A Wonderful Life] |
| December 14th, 1999
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"Oh, there's a note attached. 'My mother and I would be so pleased if you could spend Xmas day with us at the Manor.' 'Xmas'--makes it sound like a skin complaint." — [Penelope Keith
from To The Manor Born] |
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"Well, tell me about these oppressed masses. Wh-What are they so worked up about? –They're worked up, sir, because they're so poor they are forced to have children simply to provide a cheap alternative to turkey at Christmas." — [Hugh Laurie
(The Prince Regent)
& Rowan Atkinson (Edmund Blackadder)
from Blackadder The Third] |
| December 13th, 1999
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"Well, I-I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery." — [Beverly D'Angelo
(Ellen Griswold)
from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation] |
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"How nice, the gift that keeps on sucking." — [Kristen Johnston
(Sally Solomon)
from 3rd Rock From The Sun] |
| December 11th, 1999
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"I'm cute! I'm cute!" — [Billie Mae Richards
(Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer)
from Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer] |
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"Don't talk to me about Christmas, will ya? All that sticky, phony goodwill. I'd like to get a giant candy cane and beat the wings off a sugar plum fairy." — [Jack Klugman
(Oscar Trevor Madison)
from Odd Couple, The] |
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(background)
"Kiss. (mwah) Merry Christmas, darling. –Merry Christmas, Zsa Zsa, darling." — [Zsa Zsa Gabor
(Herself)
& Paul Reubens (Pee-Wee Herman)
from Pee-Wee's Playhouse] |
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"Would you please tell her that you're not really Santa Claus, that there actually is no such person? –Well, I'm sorry to disagree with you Mrs. Walker, but not only is there such a person, but here I am to prove it!" — [Maureen O'Hara
(Doris Walker)
& Edmund Gwenn (Kris Kringle)
from Miracle on 34th Street] |
| December 10th, 1999
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"All right then, gentlemen, we are all friends again. And with Christmas coming on I have a special treat for you. I'll have you all deloused for the holidays and I'll have a little Christmas tree for every barrack. You will like that." — [Otto Preminger
(Col. von Scherbach)
from Stalag 17] |
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"Yes, I fear, Mr. Baldrick, that the only way you're likely to get a big, wet kiss at Christmas, or indeed any other time, is to make a pass at a water closet." — [Rowan Atkinson
(Lord Edmund Blackadder)
from Blackadder's Christmas Carol] |
| December 9th, 1999
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"Please, Papa, eat! –How can I eat? That silly elf song is driving me crazy!" — [Peg Dixon
(Mrs. Claus)
& Stan Francis (Santa Claus)
from Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer] |
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"God knows I don't ask for much, Eunice, but you'd think somebody would wish me a Merry Christmas. –WELL MERRY CHRISTMAAAAAS!" — [Vicki Lawrence
(Mrs. Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper)
& Carol Burnett (Eunice Harper Higgins)
from Mama's Family] |
| December 8th, 1999
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"Faith is believing in things when common sense tells you not to. Don't you see? It's not just Kris that's on trial, it's everything he stands for. It's kindness and joy and love and all the other intangibles."
— [John Payne
(Fred Gailey)
from Miracle on 34th Street] |
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"Latkes! Oy, I love this holiday!" — [Michael Bell
(Grandpa Boris Kropotkin)
from Rugrats] |
| December 7th, 1999
|
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A belated Memoriam to a very talented lady: Madeline Kahn
"Merry Christmas, Mrs. Munchnik. –A fruitcake? –Yes. –Remarkably like the one I gave you last year." — [Steve Martin
(Philip)
& Madeline Kahn (Blanche Munchnik)
from Mixed Nuts] |
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"Well, I will be at your house sometime before next Christmas! But that's all I have to say." — [Madeline Kahn
(Blanche Munchnik)
from Mixed Nuts] |
| December 6th, 1999
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"Now listen… We have dolls that cry, talk, walk, blink, and run a temperature. We don't need any chewing dolls." — [Alfie Scopp
(Head Elf)
from Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer] |
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"All of our holidays were always such a mess. –Oh yeah. –How did you get through it? –I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels." — [Chevy Chase
(Clark Wilhelm Griswold, Jr.)
& John Randolph (Clark Wilhelm Griswold, Sr.)
from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation] |
| December 4th, 1999
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"Well, you see one Christmas my father caught a wild turkey and he fed him corn and chestnuts. But then we didn't have the heart to kill him so we let him get away. –Oh, I see. –But the turkey liked the food so well that he came back each year. And that way we always had-- –A turkey for Christmas dinner? –Yes." — [Gracie Allen
(Herself)
& George Burns (Himself)
from George Burns and Gracie Allen Show, The] |
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"Of all the Charlie Browns in the world, you're the Charlie Browniest." — [Chris Shea
(Linus Van Pelt)
from Charlie Brown Christmas, A] |
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"You mean it's like 'if at first you don't succeed, try, try again'? –Yes. –I thought so."
— [Natalie Wood
(Susan Walker)
& Maureen O'Hara (Doris Walker)
from Miracle on 34th Street] |
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"A menorah is, uh, like the nightlight of our people. In times of darkness it shines on the whole world reminding us not to be afraid to be different, but to be proud who we are." — [uncredited
(Shlomo)
from Rugrats] |
| December 3rd, 1999
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A Chanukah blessing in Hebrew — [Michael Bell
(Grandpa Boris Kropotkin)
from Rugrats] |
|
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"Chanukah is that special time of year between Christmas and Misgiving when all the bestest holiday shows are on TV." — [Tress MacNeille
(Angelica Pickles)
from Rugrats] |
| December 2nd, 1999
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"The Santa Claus in the lobby wants to kill me." — [Phil Hartman
(Bill McNeal)
from NewsRadio] |
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"What is it? –I don't know. But every night I have to wear a funny hat while Grandpa Boris says some stuff I don't understand and Mom lights another candle. –Sounds scary. –Yeah. But then I get a present!" — [Elizabeth "E. G." Daily
(Tommy Pickles)
& Kath Soucie (Lillian Deville)
from Rugrats] |
| December 1st, 1999
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"Now you come to Elf Practice and learn how to wiggle your ears and chuckle warmly and go 'He He' and 'Ho Ho' and important stuff like that." — [Alfie Scopp
(Head Elf)
from Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer] |
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"I find tinsel distracting." — [Jerry Stiller
from Seinfeld] |
